When Couples Counseling Isn't the Right Step: Abuse and Safety

Couples counseling can help many relationships, but it is built on an assumption: that both partners can speak honestly in the room and go home safely afterward. When one partner is abusing the other, that assumption does not hold, and counseling together can make things more dangerous rather than better.

This is not a fringe view. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, the national 24/7 support line for people experiencing relationship abuse, states plainly that it does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner.

This guide explains why, how to tell the difference between ordinary conflict and abuse, and what kinds of support are safer. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. To talk with an advocate, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you or someone else is in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988.

Why advocates advise against couples counseling for abuse

The Hotline's position comes down to one sentence: "Abuse is not a relationship problem." Counseling treats the relationship as the problem to be solved by both partners. Abuse is a pattern of behavior chosen by one partner.

The Hotline gives several specific reasons:

• Counseling "cannot, however, fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship."
• An abusive partner may later use what was said in therapy against their partner. If they feel embarrassed or angered by something said in a session, they may retaliate to regain a sense of control.
• Therapy may feel like a safe space, but for the person being abused, that safety does not necessarily extend to home.
• The therapist may not know abuse is happening. The abusive partner may present the other person as responsible for the problems, and a therapist who does not recognize the abuse may believe them.
• It is hard to judge whether the relationship is improving when one partner holds the power and the other has been affected by the abuse.

None of this means the person being harmed did anything wrong by hoping counseling would help. It means a different kind of help is needed first.

Conflict or abuse? Knowing the difference

Every couple argues. Disagreements about money, chores, family or intimacy are normal, and couples counseling can help with them. What sets abuse apart, according to the Hotline, is that the abusive partner tries to establish or gain power and control over the other person.

The Hotline lists common warning signs of abusive behavior in a partner, including:

• Telling you that you never do anything right.
• Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.
• Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members or peers.
• Insulting, demeaning or shaming you, especially in front of other people.
• Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school.
• Controlling household finances without discussion, such as taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.
• Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you are not comfortable with.
• Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions, or with weapons.
• Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.
• Destroying your belongings or your home.

The Hotline notes that "even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present." It also points out that many abusive people appear to be ideal partners early in a relationship, and that warning signs often emerge and intensify over time. Abuse does not always look the same, and these signs matter in any relationship, whoever the partners are.

Safer support if you are being harmed

Instead of couples counseling, consider support that centers your safety:

1. Talk with an advocate. Hotline advocates are available 24/7 to discuss your situation and identify options to help keep you safer, and they can provide crisis support and referrals to community resources. You can call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat online.
2. Individual counseling. The Hotline describes counseling as a safe, confidential setting for survivors to work through their experiences, and notes that local domestic violence programs often offer individual counseling. If you look for a counselor on your own, the Hotline suggests asking about their experience and strategies for supporting victims of domestic violence.
3. Group support. The Hotline notes that group counseling can help survivors connect with others who have been through similar situations and reduce the isolation abusers often create.
4. Specialized lines. The Hotline lists StrongHearts (1-844-762-8483) for Native Americans and Alaska Natives, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (1-866-331-9474), run as love is respect, for young people, and a video phone line for Deaf and hard of hearing callers (1-855-812-1001).

A note on privacy: the Hotline warns that internet use can be monitored and is impossible to erase completely. If you are worried someone is monitoring your devices, consider calling instead of browsing, and clear your browser history regularly.

If you are the one causing harm

Recognizing that your own behavior is hurting your partner is an important and difficult step. The Hotline says people do have the capacity to change, but only if they deeply want to and commit to every part of it, and that few abusers truly do. It says one part of changing may involve willingly attending a certified batterer intervention program focused on behavior, reflection and accountability.

The Hotline does not recommend couples counseling, anger management, substance abuse programs or mental health treatment as the way for abusers to address abusive patterns, although it notes these can helpfully supplement a batterer intervention program. Signs of real progress, which the Hotline draws from author Lundy Bancroft, include admitting fully to what you have done, stopping excuses and blaming, accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice, and developing respectful, supportive behaviors.

Other times to pause or add support

Abuse is the clearest case, but not the only time couples work may need to wait or be paired with other care:

• Crisis or thoughts of suicide. Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7.
• Substance use. SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), is a free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information service in English and Spanish.
• Individual mental health concerns. Depression, anxiety and trauma symptoms may call for individual care from a licensed professional, either before or alongside couples work.

If you are considering couples counseling, or are already in it, and abuse is present, the Hotline invites you to call and talk through your hopes and concerns about the process with an advocate. For a general overview of what couples counseling is for, see our guide Couples Counseling Explained: What It Is and How It Works.

Key takeaways

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage couples counseling in an abusive relationship, because "Abuse is not a relationship problem."
• The core sign of abuse is one partner seeking power and control; even one or two warning behaviors are a red flag, according to the Hotline.
• Safer options include advocates, individual counseling, survivor support groups and safety planning; call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
• For people causing harm, the Hotline points to certified batterer intervention programs rather than couples counseling.
• For crisis, call or text 988; for substance use, SAMHSA's National Helpline is 1-800-662-4357; in immediate danger, call 911.

Sources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Should I Go To Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?
• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Warning Signs of Abuse
• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Counseling for Domestic Violence Survivors
• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Is Change Possible In An Abuser?
• Love is respect, About
• SAMHSA, National Helpline
• National Institute of Mental Health, Psychotherapies