Relationship A–Z
Relationship A–Z explains the words couples run into when planning dates, marking special occasions and looking into workshops, retreats or counseling, from love maps and repair attempts to vow renewals and discernment counseling. Definitions draw on the organizations that created or govern each idea, including the researchers and clinicians behind each approach, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, state law and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It is general information, not therapy or legal advice: for help with abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788), and in a crisis, call or text 988.
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- The U.S. crisis line for anyone in emotional distress, a mental health or substance use crisis, or thinking about suicide, or for anyone worried about someone else. Call or text 988, or chat online, any time; it is free and confidential.
- Related:National Domestic Violence HotlineCouples therapy
- Active listening
- Listening with full attention in order to understand, then showing it by reflecting back what you heard and asking before assuming. It is a core skill taught in most couples' communication workshops, and it works on an ordinary date night as well as in a hard conversation.
- Related:I-statementSoft startupCouples workshop
- Anniversary
- The yearly return of a meaningful date, most often a wedding day, though many couples also mark the day they met, had their first date or became a couple. There is no single right way to celebrate; the occasion is a chance to look back together and plan ahead.
- Related:Milestone anniversaryAnniversary gift traditionsVow renewal
- Anniversary gift traditions
- Lists that pair each anniversary year with a gift theme, such as paper for the first year, silver for the 25th and gold for the 50th. Emily Post's 1922 book Etiquette named only a handful of these years, and a retail jewelers' association filled in much of the rest in 1937, which is why classic and modern lists differ.
- Related:AnniversaryMilestone anniversary
- At-home date
- A planned date that happens at home, such as cooking a new recipe together, a themed movie night or a board-game evening. What makes it a date rather than a regular night in is the intention: phones away, time set aside and attention on each other.
- Related:Date nightDate jarRituals of connection
- Attachment theory
- A psychological theory about the emotional bonds people form with those they rely on, first caregivers and later partners, and how secure or insecure those bonds feel. Emotionally Focused Therapy draws primarily on attachment theory.
- Related:Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)Hold Me Tight program
- Babymoon
- A trip or special time together that expecting parents plan before a baby arrives. If you're planning travel during pregnancy, talk with your health care provider about timing and destinations first.
- Related:StaycationHoneymoon
- Bids for connection
- Any attempt by one partner to get the other's attention, affirmation, affection or other positive connection, from a smile to a request for advice. Responding is called turning toward; in John Gottman's research following newlywed couples over six years, those who stayed married had turned toward each other's bids far more often than those who later divorced.
- Related:Love mapsSound Relationship HouseRituals of connection
- Boundaries
- The limits each partner sets about what they are and aren't comfortable with, including time alone or with friends, privacy and physical intimacy. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists setting and respecting boundaries as a sign of a healthy relationship, and ignoring them as a sign of an unhealthy one.
- Related:ConsentDomestic violenceLove bombing
- Commitment ceremony
- A ceremony in which a couple publicly declares their commitment without it creating a legal marriage. Couples choose one for many personal, cultural or practical reasons; if you also want a legal marriage, you still need a marriage license.
- Related:Vow renewalMarriage licenseOfficiant
- Consent
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes consent as “an ongoing mutual agreement between partners about what they do or don't want to experience.” Being in a relationship is never consent in itself, consent to one thing is not consent to another, and anyone can change their mind at any time.
- Related:BoundariesDomestic violenceNational Domestic Violence Hotline
- Couples intensive
- Concentrated couples therapy delivered in long sessions over one or a few days instead of weekly hour-long appointments. It should be led by a licensed mental health professional and is usually planned after an assessment of whether the format suits the couple.
- Related:Couples therapyLicensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)Couples retreat
- Couples retreat
- A getaway, usually over a weekend or several days, that combines time away with relationship-focused sessions, which may be educational, faith-based or led by therapists. Ask who leads the sessions and what their training is, since retreat formats vary widely.
- Related:Couples workshopCouples intensiveRelationship education
- Couples therapy
- Counseling for two partners together, led by a licensed mental health professional, to work on patterns such as recurring conflict, distance or a breach of trust. If there is fear, threats or violence in the relationship, first contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788) to talk through options.
- Related:Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)Gottman Method
- Couples workshop
- A structured class, in person or online, where couples learn relationship skills such as communication and conflict management, usually through short talks, demonstrations and private exercises. Workshops are educational and are not the same as couples therapy.
- Related:Couples retreatRelationship educationCouples therapy
- Dark-sky place
- A park, reserve or community recognized for protecting naturally dark night skies, which makes it a good destination for a stargazing date. DarkSky International, an organization that works to reduce light pollution, certifies and helps conserve these places.
- Related:Leave No TraceStaycation
- Date jar
- A container of date ideas written on slips of paper that a couple fills together and draws from when they can't decide what to do. Many couples sort slips by cost or time needed (free, under an hour, a full day) so a draw always fits the moment.
- Related:Date nightAt-home date
- Date night
- Time a couple deliberately sets aside for each other, whether that's an evening out or an hour at home. Couples who struggle to find the time often make it a standing date, on a set day each week or month, so it doesn't have to be renegotiated each time.
- Related:At-home dateDouble dateRituals of connection
- Discernment counseling
- A short, structured process developed by Bill Doherty, Ph.D., for couples in which one partner is leaning toward divorce and the other wants to save the marriage. It runs from one to at most five sessions and aims for clarity on one of three paths: keep the status quo, separate or divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table; it is explicitly not couples therapy.
- Related:Couples therapyLicensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)
- Domestic violence
- Also called intimate partner violence or relationship abuse: a pattern of behaviors one partner uses to gain or keep power and control over the other, through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse or financial control. Anyone can experience it; for confidential help 24/7, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788), and call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
- Related:National Domestic Violence HotlineSafety planGaslighting
- Double date
- A date shared by two couples. It can bring fresh energy and conversation, though most couples still keep some dates just for the two of them.
- Related:Date nightProgressive dinner
- Elopement
- A wedding with little or no advance announcement and few or no guests, sometimes just the couple, an officiant and any witnesses the law requires. Today it usually means a deliberately small, private ceremony rather than a secret one.
- Related:OfficiantMarriage licenseCommitment ceremony
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
- An approach to psychotherapy, developed primarily by psychologist Sue Johnson, that draws mainly on attachment theory to help people identify and change negative interaction patterns. Its couples form is called Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT), and it is practiced by trained, licensed therapists.
- Related:Attachment theoryHold Me Tight programCouples therapy
- Engagement
- The period between agreeing to marry and the wedding. Couples often use it to plan the ceremony and to talk through practical questions such as finances, family expectations and children, which is what premarital education is designed to help with.
- Related:ProposalPremarital educationMarriage license
- Five love languages
- A framework from counselor and author Gary Chapman, Ph.D., proposing that people give and receive love in different ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. Couples often use it as a conversation starter when planning dates and gifts.
- Related:Anniversary gift traditionsDate nightBids for connection
- Flooding
- Feeling so physically and emotionally overwhelmed during an argument that it is hard to listen or think clearly; in the Gottman Method, stonewalling is described as a result of it. The Gottman approach suggests pausing for about 20 minutes to do something soothing alone, then return to the conversation; if an argument ever turns threatening, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788).
- Related:Four HorsemenRepair attemptSoft startup
- Four Horsemen
- The Gottman Method's name for four communication patterns that its research links to relationship breakdown: criticism (attacking a partner's character), contempt (mockery or disrespect from a position of superiority), defensiveness (excuses and counter-blame) and stonewalling (shutting down and withdrawing). The Gottman approach pairs each with an antidote behavior; if conflict ever leaves you afraid of your partner, that is not a communication problem, so contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788).
- Related:Soft startupFloodingRepair attempt
- Gaslighting
- A form of emotional abuse in which a partner makes someone doubt their own memory, perceptions or sanity, for example by denying things that happened or calling them too sensitive. The term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light; if this sounds familiar, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788) can help you sort out what is happening.
- Related:Domestic violenceLove bombingNational Domestic Violence Hotline
- Gottman Method
- An approach to couples therapy and education from Drs. John and Julie Gottman, grounded in research on couples that John Gottman began with Robert Levenson in the 1970s. Its ideas include the Sound Relationship House, love maps, bids for connection, the Four Horsemen and repair attempts.
- Related:Sound Relationship HouseFour HorsemenCouples therapy
- Hold Me Tight program
- A relationship education workshop for couples that Sue Johnson developed from her 2008 book Hold Me Tight, which is based on Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. It is organized around seven conversations, such as recognizing “demon dialogues,” revisiting a rocky moment and forgiving injuries.
- Related:Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)Relationship educationCouples workshop
- Honeymoon
- A trip or getaway a couple takes after their wedding. Some couples take a short trip right away and a bigger one later, and many plan a second honeymoon for a milestone anniversary.
- Related:StaycationMilestone anniversary
- I-statement
- A way of speaking that starts from your own experience, such as “I don't feel heard right now” instead of “You're not listening.” It works only if it stays about you; “I feel like you never listen” is still an accusation.
- Related:Soft startupActive listening
- Imago Relationship Therapy
- A form of couples therapy developed in 1980 by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., that focuses on turning conflict into healing and growth through connection. It is practiced by trained therapists and is also taught to couples through workshops and retreats.
- Related:Couples therapyCouples workshopActive listening
- Leave No Trace
- Seven outdoor-ethics principles, published by the Leave No Trace organization, for reducing your impact on nature, covering ideas such as planning ahead, packing out your waste, leaving what you find and respecting wildlife. They are a handy checklist for hiking, picnic or camping dates.
- Related:Dark-sky placeStaycation
- Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)
- A mental health professional who works with individuals, couples and families and, in the words of the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, treats problems “in the context of couples and other relationships.” The BLS notes that all states require marriage and family therapists to be licensed, which typically involves a master's degree, supervised clinical experience and a state-recognized exam.
- Related:Couples therapyCouples intensiveDiscernment counseling
- Love bombing
- Over-the-top displays of attention, affection, gifts or contact, often early in a relationship, that the National Domestic Violence Hotline describes as a form of emotional abuse and a possible warning sign. Fast labels like “soulmate,” gifts that come with strings attached and overwhelming contact are common signs.
- Related:BoundariesGaslightingDomestic violence
- Love maps
- In the Gottman Method, the detailed knowledge partners have of each other's inner world, from daily stresses to hopes and worries. Keeping love maps current, for example by asking open-ended questions on a date, is the first level of the Sound Relationship House.
- Related:Sound Relationship HouseBids for connectionDate night
- Magic ratio
- A Gottman Method term for the balance of positive and negative interactions during conflict; the Gottman Institute says stable, happy couples have about five (or more) positive interactions for every negative one. Positive moments such as laughter, teasing and affection help offset the friction that every relationship has.
- Related:Gottman MethodBids for connectionRepair attempt
- Marriage license
- The legal document a couple must obtain before marrying, issued by a local government office; in Florida, for example, a county court judge or clerk of the circuit court issues it. Rules vary by state: fees, waiting periods, expiration and ID requirements are set by each state, so check with the issuing office before the date.
- Related:OfficiantPremarital educationElopement
- Milestone anniversary
- A round-number anniversary, such as the 10th, 25th or 50th, that couples often celebrate in a bigger way. The 25th is traditionally called the silver anniversary and the 50th the golden anniversary.
- Related:AnniversaryAnniversary gift traditionsVow renewal
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- A U.S. hotline whose advocates are available 24/7 to offer support, crisis intervention, education about abuse, safety planning and referrals to local resources. Call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788 or chat at thehotline.org; Deaf and hard of hearing callers can reach the Deaf Hotline by video phone at 1-855-812-1001. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
- Related:Domestic violenceSafety plan988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Officiant
- The person who leads a wedding ceremony, such as a member of the clergy, a judge or another person authorized by law. Who may legally officiate is set by each state, so check the rules where the wedding will happen.
- Related:Marriage licenseElopementVow renewal
- Premarital education
- Classes or counseling for engaged couples on topics such as communication, conflict, finances and parenting. Some states encourage it, and the rules vary by state. In Florida, for example, couples who complete a premarital preparation course of at least four hours get a reduced marriage license fee and skip the three-day delay in the license's effective date that otherwise applies to most Florida residents.
- Related:EngagementMarriage licenseRelationship education
- Progressive dinner
- A meal eaten in courses at different places, for example appetizers at one home, the main course at a second and dessert at a third. It works well as a group or double date, or as a walking date between neighborhood spots.
- Related:Double dateDate night
- Proposal
- The moment one partner asks the other to marry them, which may be a planned surprise or a decision the couple reaches together. A thoughtful proposal reflects the person being asked, including whether they would enjoy a public moment or prefer a private one.
- Related:EngagementElopement
- Relationship coach
- A coach who helps a person or couple set goals and build skills for their relationship. Coaching is not therapy; for mental health concerns, trauma, addiction or abuse, see a licensed professional, and ask any coach about their training before you start.
- Related:Couples therapyLicensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)Couples workshop
- Relationship education
- Teaching couples or individuals skills for healthy relationships, such as communication, conflict management and money conversations, through classes, workshops or programs; it is sometimes called marriage enrichment. It is preventive and educational, not treatment, and couples facing serious distress may need therapy instead.
- Related:Couples workshopPremarital educationHold Me Tight program
- Repair attempt
- John Gottman describes a repair attempt as “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” It can be an apology, a joke, a touch or an agreed signal to pause, and couples often work out together which repairs land well for them.
- Related:FloodingFour HorsemenSoft startup
- Rituals of connection
- Small, repeated habits that help partners feel close, such as a real goodbye in the morning, a walk after dinner or a weekly date. Because they happen on a schedule, they keep connection going even in busy seasons.
- Related:Date nightBids for connectionLove maps
- Safety plan
- A personalized, practical set of steps for protecting yourself if you are experiencing abuse in a relationship. Advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788) are available 24/7 to help create one; responsibility for abuse lies with the person causing it, never with the person experiencing it.
- Related:Domestic violenceNational Domestic Violence Hotline
- Soft startup
- Raising a complaint gently, by describing the situation and how you feel and saying what you need, rather than opening with blame. Gottman research finds that conversations tend to end the way they begin, so a harsh opening usually leads to more tension.
- Related:I-statementFour HorsemenRepair attempt
- Sound Relationship House
- The Gottman Method's model of a healthy relationship as a house with seven levels: build love maps, share fondness and admiration, turn toward instead of away, the positive perspective, manage conflict, make life dreams come true and create shared meaning. The two walls holding it up are trust and commitment.
- Related:Gottman MethodLove mapsBids for connection
- Staycation
- A vacation spent at or near home instead of traveling far, for example exploring your own city like a tourist or taking a night away a short drive from home. It can mark an occasion with less cost and planning than a big trip.
- Related:Date nightAnniversaryDark-sky place
- Vow renewal
- A ceremony in which an already married couple restates or rewrites their vows, often on a milestone anniversary or after a hard season. Because the couple is already married, it is a celebration rather than a new legal marriage, and it can be as simple or as formal as they like.
- Related:Milestone anniversaryCommitment ceremonyAnniversary